An art deco design with the word "Goons" in the middle.

Edward “Big Balls” Coristine

Three years ago, when Edward “Big Balls” Coristine registered Tesla.Sexy LLC, could he have known where it would lead? When he set up the AI-powered Discord Bot Helfie in Russia, did he know it could someday become a security clearance challenge when he did a coup?

Few of the young Elon fanboys have taken off the way Edward has. From all accounts, this is a privileged young goon who was always meant for wanton disrespect for the law.  Here is his resume:

January 21st 2025 to Current

Expert at the Office of Personnel Management and General Services Administration

  • Reports directly to Amanda Scales
  • Met with workers to review the code they had written and justify their jobs.
  • Uses a personal email address for government meetings.
Summer 2024

Intern at Neuralink, Elon’s brain implant startup.

November 2022

Founder at DiamondCDN

  • Advertised to hire a cyber specialist to perform distributed denial of service (DDoS) attacks.
  • Pays in bitcoin!
April to June 2022

Systems Engineer at Path Network

2021

Founder, Tesla.Sexy

  • Founder and CEO. Created faster.pw a website that, in 2022, showed content in Chinese advertising “multiple encrypted cross-border networks.”